I could talk about this band all day, but right now I want to focus in on this one song.
I gave up on the faith last summer, threw in the towel on Christianity and walked away. I don’t know why I returned to bible college last fall, aside from the fact that I didn’t like the alternative of staying with my parents and never hearing the end of it from my dad. So I came back in a way that felt like I was doing nothing more than going through the motions. Returning to CCCB felt like autopilot; the only thing that was different was a new job in the I.T. department. Maybe that’s what brought me back to school. Nonetheless, I was disinterested in the faith. I didn’t want to grow stronger, but wanted to run away. I didn’t want to learn, but wanted to forget. I didn’t want to do good, I wanted to feel good. The journey back to faith seemed too far for how deep and how quickly I sank inside myself. I just wanted to be done. I didn’t want the school, I just wanted a place to come to.
To be honest, I feel extraordinarily guilty about that. By all means, I didn’t agree to the statement of beliefs that I was asked to agree to, I didn’t agree to the student code of conduct, the handbook, the mission statement, or anything or anyone. I just wanted to be left alone in a familiar place so I could decompress, process, and let my emotions run their course. I grew bitter and am pretty sure I took that out on almost everyone around me. But something happened last year that I didn’t expect. I had a friend who stuck by me and refused to walk away, someone who continually reminded me who I am and, who constantly told me that they loved me and cared about me, and who prayed for me harder than I’ll ever know. It’s because of this person, and the love that they showed me, that I decided to return to the faith. They extended the love of God to me in a way that I hadn’t known before, and had felt frustratingly unable to show to other people.
It’s because this person was willing to get their hands dirty and let Christ work through them that this wandering sheep came back into the fold. It’s because of the Christ’s love working through them that I’m still alive. That’s what this song means to me.
Those who cry out sink to the floor.
The silent stand tall, but usually hurt more.
“‘Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind’s the standard of the man.”
I see so many with confidence and shine. Do you feel like me?
Let me look in your eyes so I can see if your heart burns just like mine.
Don’t bury what you hide from. We apply to overcome.
My tight rope turned to this train wreck. Undone.
I came a long way from home just to find I lost my way
And now the path back seems a lot longer than it did when I came.
Everything and everyone is so different around me
Or maybe I’m the one who’s changed.
Something keeps this tired heart going.
It’s in the darkest times, we find ourselves growing.
The mind’s the standard of the man.
I surround myself with those who remind me of who I am.