Tonight I recorded a concept for a new song. It’s one of those that came from something I had scribbled in my journal long ago and never bothered to finish. Originally designed to be a spoken word, I decided to modify the original idea, flesh it out, and turn it into a song. Video included. Interestingly, due to the physical setup of how I ran everything, this is also how I’d sound if I were to play for people online, whether it be Skype, Chatroulette, Google Hangout, or even using a live streaming service. If I can get that static noise out of things, I could flesh out my sound more and have something halfway professional sounding.
WARNING: LOW QUALITY
This song is one of those that, while I definitely plan to put it on my EP, I hope my old man never hears it (obviously, it’s about him). I’ve pretty well accepted (or at least concluded) that he’s beyond any ability to really understand anything I try to say, so even if he did hear it, I strongly doubt it would have any effect on him. If anything, it’s therapeutic for me to be able to sing it.
I’ve talked about him a little before (in previous blog posts) but I’ve never gone into much detail about my (good as non-existent) relationship with him. And this isn’t to put all of my stock in MBTI (trust me, I could care less what someone’s personality type is), the fact that he’s an ESTJ and I’m an INFJ, combined with the reality that those two temperaments have the most difficulty getting along (the INFJ is a deep thinker with deep-seated emotions and wants to be known and loved, while the ESTJ just wants things to run in a way that is manageable, and doesn’t understand or have patience for the feelings of others) has helped me to at least say this: I’ve done what I can, and I do what I can, and I will continue to do what I can, but I know there’s not much I can do about the detachment between us other than accept that I’ll never be able to have a relationship with him that isn’t shallow at best.
I’m sure I’ll write little tidbits about him here and there in other posts as I go along. I absolutely do not plan to write a full-blown entry about him. As much as he can be an absolute douchebag, he’s my dad and for some reason I have never been able to reconcile (with the reality of what emotionally abusive relationships are and what they can do to people who don’t outright leave them), I love him. That said, if you ever really want to get a picture of our relationship, just read through all of my posts from the beginning until now, and then keep up after that. If you’re able to read between the lines, you’ll figure it out.