It doesn’t help that the semester is starting to wind down and I’m still in catch-up mode. I’ve prioritized my catching up (focus on current assignments first to keep those grades up, since I have grading deals already locked in place for late work). Maybe it’s just academic stress & pre-career anxiety? Nah, that can’t be it. That’s been subtly there in my subconscious mind. This feeling is too strong to simply be stress. It’s too prominent. It’s not just gently tugging at my mind, it’s screaming, clawing, and fighting to come into the light. Or maybe, maybe, it’s the other way around. Maybe it’s something that God is dragging, clawing, kicking, and screaming, into the light.
Perhaps what I need is to actually spend time with God. I haven’t done that this semester, and I think I’ve only been to church maybe six or seven times since August. I haven’t really touched a bible except for academic work (though what I do read, I mull over for quite a while). I feel like there’s a war inside my heart; I’ve finally decided which side to take, and now that I’ve decided that I’m going to hold fast, the other side doesn’t want to have it that way. Sin doesn’t like to let go. There’s comfort in the dark; depression makes me tired, and it’s not easy to sleep with the lights on. Understand my double meaning (if you don’t understand by now that I often speak in double meanings, then you’ve really missed a lot of what I try to say).
Maybe what’s going on isn’t either of the things I mentioned two paragraphs ago. Maybe now that light has been flicked on, it’s clawing at the light switch, trying to turn it back off so that it won’t be exposed for what it is. Because sin doesn’t like to be seen for what it is: ugly, vile, parasitic, undesirable, and toxic in the grand scheme of eternity. There’s a reason why addictions are often kept secret, and why secrets are so addictive. Sin likes to hide in the dark.
And of course, I’m not some pinnacle of holiness, or even someone (or something) I’d want anybody to look up to. I’m a pretty fucked up dude. I’ve got just as many problems as anyone else. And it’s so easy for me to fall into a pit of self-loathing, and to starve myself from the only source of life and energy that can sustain me. But I know that if what I’ve learned in bible college is true, it’s that Jesus is the only source of living water, and that the living water he offers will satisfy my every hunger and quench my every thirst. “He who comes to me will not thirst.” He wants to be my satisfaction.
And now we come back to the wrench in my gut. Perhaps in the writing of this entry, I’ve sorted myself through to what it is and what it’s about, and I think I’ve figured it out because it’s easing up. So if this (what I’ve just spent the last several paragraphs writing about) is right, then I know what I need to do. Not to make the wrench go away, but because I know about Jesus, I believe what He says about himself, and I know the implications of such.
But ah, it’s just a wrench. I probably just need to eat something.