Sitting here in this Student Council meeting, all I can think about is how long it’s been since I last attended one of these. It’s not that I don’t like Student Council; on the contrary, I really enjoy being involved in planning events. It’s incredible to work behind the scenes in making something happen that brings the whole campus together as a community. StuCo has really been positive thing in my life this semester.
But it’s been weeks. Three? Four? I can’t remember, and that concerns me more than the fact that I’ve missed meetings because it means I haven’t been functioning (mentally and emotionally) There is less than a month remaining of this semester, and we’re already planning events for next semester. Freshman year feels like it was a lifetime ago, yet it feels like it could have been just last month. “Time flies at a snail’s pace” could well be a thematic statement of my time here.
In some areas of life I’ve grown immensely and changed dramatically, while in others it feels like I haven’t changed at all. Being a “big picture” person who looks at life holistically, I find myself frustrated that I’ve vacillated back and forth between depression and normalcy without finding some sort of stability. But it’s improving at least. Well, it feels like it’s improving. Maybe a more accurate assumption would be that I’m just starting to handle it more productively.
I’ve started tracking my mood with the T2 Mood Tracker app (just started today, actually), which I’m hoping will allow me to detect patterns over time that, when analyzed, will help me to better identify, assess, and overcome whatever is contributing to my depression. I’ve recently resumed my rooftop retreats, where I’ll get off campus and disappear to a random rooftop for a few hours where I’ll sit and journal. It’s helped, but once it starts snowing I won’t be able to do that anymore.
I’m thinking it’s time I get to the root of this depression and deal with it.