Last Day

It’s official: I have one more day in Wisconsin.

It’s going to be busy, too. There are still a few things I want to do (a panoramic photo of downtown from a particular rooftop, explore another rooftop, film the sunset), things that I have to do (pack up, clean and load my car) and things I probably should do (say goodbye to people, visit my mom). How I’m going to cram all of that into one day, I’m not exactly sure. But, I know that it’ll work out. Even now, I’m running through in my mind how I can go about fitting it all into one day.

Still, in the midst of all this end-of-summer busyness, I’ve found myself lacking. Lately I’ve been staying up later and later to process footage, edit photos, compile videos, write blog posts, or just chat with people. Then I go to bed, sleep until I wake up, and do it all over again. This has knocked my sleep schedule off-kilter and has been leaving me exhausted. I’m not complaining, because it’s definitely my own fault. But sometimes exhausted can be a good thing.
These past several weeks I’ve been angry and bitter, and really haven’t given God much thought. In the midst of busyness, confusion, and pain, I’ve been ignoring Him. Instead I found myself focusing on things like work, finishing an online class, planning for the semester coming up, and other things to keep my mind off of something that happened in early July. But these last couple days, like the loving Father that He is, God has been gently reminding me that He loves me.

Other people have been reminding me of the same thing, too. This is bizarre for me, because I’m usually the one reminding other people. But everybody falls sometime and I’m certainly no exception. I’m understanding more and more the difficulty there can be in actually believing that God loves us broken people. To be honest, I’ve been having a lot of doubts. But this comes as a result of basing reality on how I feel rather than on what I know. When I base reality on how I feel, lines blur, boundaries get crossed, and it becomes difficult to differentiate between truth and error, let alone remember who I am and what I’m called to be.

All this adds to my wanting to leave here, too. That’s why I’ve been jittery with anticipation of what’s just around the corner. Right now, nothing feels more satisfying in my mind than the thought of getting in my car on Wednesday morning and driving away. I love this city, but it’s time to leave. My desire to leave is so strong that it’s difficult to remember it as being a want and not an imminent need. What I want is to just get on the road and go. What I need to do is slow down, breathe, and look up.


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